It was Saturday night when I felt his arms wrapped around me as I rest my head comfortably against his chest. His breathing was slow and soft touching the top of my head and I swore nothing could beat the comfort that his body offered than anything else.
“Hey,” he whispered softly in his deep voice. It was cold Saturday and I liked to play my feet around his — tickling, kicking, wrapped my legs around his torso as he laughed then hugged me tighter. “It’s been two hours and we’re just hugging like this.” his eyes fixed at me as he put a strain of my hair to the back of my ear then caressing my cheek softly with his fingers.
“I don’t mind at all.” I smiled a little before I leaned my head closer to close the gap between our lips. I could still taste a bit of his cigarette but it still tasted as sweet as I remembered. “We could hug for fifteen hours and I won’t be mad.”
He chuckled before he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled my body to lay on top of his bare body. My body felt as if it was made specifically to be held by him and his body felt as if it was made specifically to hold me.
“Watch your mouth, love.” he looked at me as his fingers rubbing my back up and down slowly.
I chuckled. “I mean it.” and what happened next was like fireworks lighted up in the sky at new year’s eve — beautiful, messy, loud, and memorable.
If only I knew that it was the last time I got to kiss his lips.
It was Thursday night when I remembered our last conversation at his place. Me in his shirt, him in his unstable emotion and anger toward me.
“You know we can’t do this anymore if you feel that way about me.” he said in his cold tone. He did not even want to touch me like how he used to do without I even asked. He looked at me as if I just ruined us.
“I know and I’m sorry that I can’t help it…” My voice was low and I’m sure he did not even realize how much I hate myself and how much I regret myself for admitting my feelings for him.
“I love you” would never and should never exist in our dictionary. But that day, I broke our rule.
I was sitting on his lap when he showered me with kisses all over my face.
I giggled as I tighten my arms around his neck, refused to be away from him.
The light was dim but I could see his eyes sparkling as he looked at me. His smile was genuine and I swear to God, nothing could make me happier than being in his embrace right now.
At that moment, I realized that I was trapped in a game that we started. I already lose to him. The winner was my feeling and my stupid expectation of us.
I accidentally spilled the forbidden phrase and suddenly I did not see the spark in his eyes anymore. He stopped, he did not even touch me anymore. I realized at that moment that I’ve fucked myself up— I’ve fucked us up.
He put me down off of his lap slowly then looked away. The quiet was even louder in my ears. I know I shouldn’t have done that, but the phrase just slipped out of my mouth just like that, as if they have waited for a long time for that moment but they did not know that it would fucked us up.
And then what was left right now was just me crying in my room, missing the touch of his fingers, the wet kisses from his lips on my face, his sweet voice in my ears and his warmth around my body.
I know I started this game knowing completely that there was a line I couldn’t cross, a wall that I shouldn’t climb, and a phrase I shouldn’t say. But someone could not choose to whom they fall in love with, no?
“I’m sorry, I know I made a mistake. I’m sorry.” I held his hand, hoping that he would stay longer. I needed him to be with me. “Can we forget about what I said and restart everything?” Fuck my feeling, fuck everything! Even if it meant that I should bury my feelings deeply, I didn’t care. I wanted him more than anything, even if he didn’t feel the same, even if he only loved me at midnight, even if he only called me his love when our lips collided, I did not care.
“We can’t keep doing this. We can’t restart. I can’t act as if nothing happened.”
“We haven’t tried yet. Please…” I begged desperately at him like a child wailing at their parents to buy them a toy. I did not care about everything anymore, I just want us to be like how we used to before I fucked things up.
He let go of my hand from his slowly, leaned his head toward mine to kiss the top of my head deeply for the last time and said, “I’m sorry we should end it here.”
Sorry I never meant to fall for you deeply in a game that we started.
